Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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