I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
