You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
