I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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