Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
