Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
