It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
