I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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