***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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