I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
