I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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