Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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