my phone needs a breathalizer
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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