My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
