I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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