3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
