I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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