the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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