McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
