after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
