nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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