you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
