he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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