you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
