You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
