i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
