and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
