hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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