I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
