Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
