He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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