jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
