No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
