distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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