My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize