I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is Oprah even human
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
