Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
