he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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