You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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