hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
