you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No subtext here. People are naked.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
