You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
