i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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