my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
