You can't special order awesome
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
