guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
