More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
