also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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