Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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