Just fell off a train. Bad.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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