ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
