apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
