I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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