just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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